i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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