there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
