I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
