i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
