i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
