About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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