Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
