He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
