Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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