I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
