good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
