I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
