should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Did I show you my penis last night?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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