you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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