covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
