So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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