why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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