I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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