hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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