I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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