All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
