This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
