It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
