Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
