i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
