Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
