im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
