I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
