Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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