The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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