im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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