Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And then my night got REAL pukey
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
