i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize