Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
