I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Randomize