capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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