my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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