all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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