just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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