Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
