I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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