I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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