Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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