it was like his penis was on wheels.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Randomize
