Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
