every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
