Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
