Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
