i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
