i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize