I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm both gender and math confused
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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