ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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