i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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